200715 x

you

Disclaimer, if you're not ready to read a cheesy ass post, then I suggest you don't.
Because this platform is for me to write how I'm feeling, so I don't really need anyone to tell me what I can and what I cannot write. So here goes.

Many anons on ask.fm are always asking me, 

"So, what do you like about Sean?"

and I never knew how to give an answer because

I always felt that my answers will never do what he does for me 

as my boyfriend any justice.
So here I am, trying my best to make sure he's sounds as amazing as he really is.
People might call this cheesy and disgusting,
but what exactly can they tell me about the love we share?
What do they know?

I've dated before, I've had crushes before, 

or what they call "eye candies",

 but I've never felt the way I feel about Sean with anyone else.

From the day we started to text up till now, nothing has changed.

What we share, is just purely amazing.

"Maybe you guys are still in the honeymoon period",

they say.

Yeah, maybe we are, maybe we aren't.

But right now all I know is that, 

I still feel like I'm falling in love with him every single day. 

What he does for me simply amazes me.

I don't deny I ask too much from him, 

how much I want him to devote his time to me and me only.

What amazes me is how he really tries his best
just to make me happy.

Making my happiness his first priority.

As long as I'm happy, he's happy. 

Even as he is tired as fuck from national trainings, 

he never never fails to text me,

never fails to find whatever energy he has left to meet me,

never fails to make me laugh, make me happy.

He never fails to hug me when I'm sad, compliment me when I'm insecure,

 break when I cry, smile when I do,

reminds me that he loves me, 

and we are to last forever and always.
He never fails.

I may seem bubbly most of the times,

but I can have the most awful mood swings
and throw the worst tantrums.

He doesn't 'deal' with my immaturity that much, 

instead he reminds me dearly to see my inadequacies not as a flaw,

but a stepping stone to becoming a better person,

while reminding me of all the strengths that he sees, that I don't.

Thank you,

 for making me a better person than I was yesterday.

He's always there.
Every time I break down from whatever reasons, he's there.
Either by my side physically, or over the phone,
he calls, no matter where he is or how busy he is
just to make sure that I'm okay.
When we are hanging out in a group, he looks out for me.
Be there for me when he can clearly tell I'm uncomfortable,
he hugs me and asks how I'm feeling.
He can read me like a book, he sure can.
I tell him I'm very lucky to have him,
but he only replies,
"I'm the lucky one". 

I don't deny that we have our fair share of conflicts,

mainly due to insecurities that I never fail to have.

He doesn't rage, he doesn't get angry,

but instead he patiently tells me how much he loves me,

and what he loves about me.

"I love your insecurities because that's what makes you, you."

Even as I'm shouting at the top of my lungs, 

crying my eyes out, 

he screams over me and

fills in the gaps of whatever I felt I was lacking in.

The little things he does. 

Always feeding me the first mouth of his food/drinks,
no matter how hungry or thirsty he gets.
Cleaning my skirt when it gets coffee-stained.
Drying my hair thoroughly after I shower,
because who loves wet hair?
Wiping my tears for me, and basically just everything.
All the small things,
thank you.

Right now,

As I'm missing him, I'm an emotional wreck.

I spend my most of my time just waiting for his texts, basically.
Fucking time differences.

And when I do talk to him, he asks me,

"Why are you so sad? Be happier." 

I just honestly reply that it was because I was missing him.

And it gets him so affected just because I'm sad.

so

I promise him that I'm okay, with a smile.

A genuine one. 

Not because I miss him any less, 

but because I wanted him to be happy so badly.

My mum was angry to why I sleep so much nowadays, 

and I really never bothered to explain because I assumed no one will understand.

Maybe I sleep so much because I'm eagerly waiting for time to pass.

Maybe I just want the day to pass faster, and the nights to come quicker. 

Maybe because when night time arrives, it's nearer to a new day, 

it's a day closer till we reunite.

Maybe that's why.



-

That was written when he was away, and he has been back for about a week or so.
Things have been great, amazing actually, even though we have our bad days for sure. Thank you for loving me always these past 4 months, despite all my flaws, really.
You're the greatest gift and I'm so grateful for you, no matter how many times I say it.
All I'm ever worried about is that one day you will leave me and believe me, that's not the best feeling to have, is it? But I shall live in the moment and be zen about everything.
I'm still learning, and I believe one day I will reach there.
But till then, guide me along, don't let me walk alone.

jealousy

Only writing this post because I needed to give myself a wake up call and allow myself to come back to this post every time I feel this way. 

I hate to say this, and I really don't want to say this because I don't want to face it.

But

I am a jealous person, and it kills me.

Truth be told, I'm not jealous in the aspect of friendship and what not. If my friends do achieve something, I am and will be truly happy for them. The jealousy I'm talking about here, is the jealousy in a relationship.  

I guess the root of jealousy (for me, at least), is insecurity. Insecurity is never pleasant. Thankfully, it's not always there. But there are times, moments that I cannot control, where something triggers me. And in that moment, I am not able to help myself get rid of that awful feeling. I just sit there and allow it to eat me up. 

More often than not, jealousy doesn't have quite as much to do with him as much as it has to do with me. I'm the problem, it's always me. I know it because this awful feeling creeps up when I start comparing. I start comparing myself to the girls he's hanging out with, the girls he's talking to, him taking a photo with a prettier girl, this is always me:

"Yeah she's definitely prettier than me." 

"She has such a nice body." 

"She's hilarious, do I ever make him laugh like that?"

"Maybe everyone is secretly thinking that he's too good for me, I'm not skinny and pretty and talented enough for him."

All these thoughts run through my mind every fucking time, and sadly enough, I can't help it :-(

I mean, I don't hate them. I really don't. They probably don't even know or realize that what they are doing are making me feel this way. I'm very very hateful, I admit. But not at them, not at him, but at myself. I guess the main reason to this inferiority is stemmed from the way I see him. I see him as almost the epitome of perfection, regardless of how many flaws he has; I guess because he possesses qualities that I respect yet have never been able to cultivate. Which is why I always tell myself, "he doesn't deserve someone like me". 

An advice to all the girls out there when this happens, leave and step aside.

If you don't want to see what you don't want to see, don't. 
Calm the fuck down.
I just end up tearing/crying anyways.

But I guess the key solution to solve this in our relationship is most importantly communication. Let him know - that's what I always do. Tell him how I'm feeling, and it normally makes me feel better, even though he will NEVER truly understand how you felt (because honestly, I don't think guys get insecure that much). He never fails to reassures me that I'm the only one he loves and that he loves me a lot and wants my trust. I honestly believe him, and I do trust him wholeheartedly. It's just that, the feeling will always always creep up, it's just in my nature. So I guess, Clare, the moral of the story is, stop being so jealous all the time. (LOL)

"When you are less burdened by jealousy, not just your relationship, but even your life will begin to make you truly happy because you then will not be limiting either your partner or yourself from reaching your true potential. "

I'm still learning.

June 2015

Long Phung Viet Restaurant
159 Joo Chiat Rd

SO GOOD the pho + spring rolls!!!!!!!!!!!! + affordable yay!!!
Watched Big Game with Sean after, and I surprisingly liked the movie,
despite it being impromptu.

SAM w sean on one of the days, before heading to rehearsal at AC for Bailamos!! ( )_: )

Trickeye Museum with my family + Melissa and fan before they leave for the states )-: had a real good time there, surprisingly (thought it would be pretty lame at first)

Hock Hai Hawker Centre

my number 1, who's a number 10.
with him after the first match against malaysia!!!!! :-)
then second match against thai, watched it with Mei who kindly accompanied me hehe

TRDO Chapter 5 with mum and Mei, and congratulations to Max and Lynette,
who won 2nd and 1st respectively!!! super duper good (jaw drop)
and managed to say hi to Mr Tan and Miss Wee too :-)

Breakfast @ Tiong Bahru Market with the family after a looooong time

after 3rd match against phil :-)
 waited with huijun (an jun's girlfriend aka my fellow hachiko) for the boys to finish warming down after the match before heading to KFC (WAITED 40 MINS WATTTT)
and managed to get a polaroid from HJ HEHEHE

Eng's Noodles House
287 Tanjong Katong Rd

Lunch at Eng's before he flies off for 3 weeks )-:
Watched Jurassic World after, and it's not bad I guess. Fell asleep at the beginning though.
Dinner at CSC with his family after and then, sent him off at the airport.
so hard to say goodbye.

Playmax 4 with jerone chloe izzy and nick!!!!!
@ St Andrews Cathedral :-)
chloe needed a group of 5 so she backup called all of us HEHEHE
 rather fun but SUPZ tiring!!!!!

T-18 heheheh first time seeing him after a looOOOOoong time!!! YayE

Sin Lee Foods - food's pretty good!!!!! try the broc aburi salad (or sit like that)

Sin Lee Foods
4 Jalan Bukit Ho Swee

T-16!!!!!!!!! virtual tour with b over snap chat live YAHOOOOOO

Dim Sum Dollies on Father's Day!!!
Which was suuuuper good, didn't expect much but was v blown away
GREAT entertainment value
Kar Soh for dinner + Wei Xiang Yuan for dessert

T-14!!!!!! skypin with this nigga from croatia!!!

DTF + poltergeist with mei - the movie is so bad
please don't waste your time and money on that horror movie HAHAHAHA
we went back to marmalade for dessert too :-)

precious ZARA top thats $56 #whatwhat

snap chat live (t-12) with b!!!!! at dubrovnik wow everything is amazing.

Dazzling Cafe
15 Stamford Rd

Mum really wanted to try Dazzling Cafe!!!!
we heard the classic honey toast was the most worth it,
and it was pretty good, BUT not for $19.90 though )-:

Ikea with my family in the morning (yay managed to haul photo frames!!!!!
and i guess household stuff HAHAHA)
Headed to Nick's house for a 3SA4 dinner (with the usual shepherd's pie and ribs)
had a lovely lovely lovely amazing time with the class!!!
i love them, so so blessed to have them in my life.
(t-9!!! as of now)

Had a good brunch/lunch w ckho at Common Man Coffee Roasters!!!!! Ordered the granola and fruits again because it's so yumz!!! :-) Hehe, thx for the great meal wew 

Headed to have some adventures at the zoo with Mei :-) fulfilling this kid's dream cause her boyfriend never did HAHAHA but yay!!!!! Hehe it was hella hot and sweaty but it was rather fun hehe, had macs for lunch and honestly spicy mc nuggets ain't that good? To me at least HAHAHA!!!! (T-6 :-))

My knee has been a serious problem for me the past month and I don't know why came over me to sign up for sports camp so I don't think I will be going anymore sigh my $85 ))-: but for my health and injury I guess i should risk aggravating the pain ))-: