jealousy

Only writing this post because I needed to give myself a wake up call and allow myself to come back to this post every time I feel this way. 

I hate to say this, and I really don't want to say this because I don't want to face it.

But

I am a jealous person, and it kills me.

Truth be told, I'm not jealous in the aspect of friendship and what not. If my friends do achieve something, I am and will be truly happy for them. The jealousy I'm talking about here, is the jealousy in a relationship.  

I guess the root of jealousy (for me, at least), is insecurity. Insecurity is never pleasant. Thankfully, it's not always there. But there are times, moments that I cannot control, where something triggers me. And in that moment, I am not able to help myself get rid of that awful feeling. I just sit there and allow it to eat me up. 

More often than not, jealousy doesn't have quite as much to do with him as much as it has to do with me. I'm the problem, it's always me. I know it because this awful feeling creeps up when I start comparing. I start comparing myself to the girls he's hanging out with, the girls he's talking to, him taking a photo with a prettier girl, this is always me:

"Yeah she's definitely prettier than me." 

"She has such a nice body." 

"She's hilarious, do I ever make him laugh like that?"

"Maybe everyone is secretly thinking that he's too good for me, I'm not skinny and pretty and talented enough for him."

All these thoughts run through my mind every fucking time, and sadly enough, I can't help it :-(

I mean, I don't hate them. I really don't. They probably don't even know or realize that what they are doing are making me feel this way. I'm very very hateful, I admit. But not at them, not at him, but at myself. I guess the main reason to this inferiority is stemmed from the way I see him. I see him as almost the epitome of perfection, regardless of how many flaws he has; I guess because he possesses qualities that I respect yet have never been able to cultivate. Which is why I always tell myself, "he doesn't deserve someone like me". 

An advice to all the girls out there when this happens, leave and step aside.

If you don't want to see what you don't want to see, don't. 
Calm the fuck down.
I just end up tearing/crying anyways.

But I guess the key solution to solve this in our relationship is most importantly communication. Let him know - that's what I always do. Tell him how I'm feeling, and it normally makes me feel better, even though he will NEVER truly understand how you felt (because honestly, I don't think guys get insecure that much). He never fails to reassures me that I'm the only one he loves and that he loves me a lot and wants my trust. I honestly believe him, and I do trust him wholeheartedly. It's just that, the feeling will always always creep up, it's just in my nature. So I guess, Clare, the moral of the story is, stop being so jealous all the time. (LOL)

"When you are less burdened by jealousy, not just your relationship, but even your life will begin to make you truly happy because you then will not be limiting either your partner or yourself from reaching your true potential. "

I'm still learning.